The Matrix Regurgitated
by Chris Magician
Summary: A T2M Clan fanfic, featuring a not-so-accurate parody of the Matrix sequels! Warning--inside you will find unstable dresses, falling pianos, and Pong!
1. The Matrix Regurgitated

Magician's Note: Greetings, T2M clan! This idea popped into my head while I was at work, and that happens to be where I wrote the entire thing. Bear this in mind when you come to the realization tat there is no plot, substance, or redeeming quality of any kind contained within. Peace!

In no particular order…

Andrew Joshua Talon as the techno-gothic cyber Superman, NEO

TaroMD (aka The British Punisher) as the silver-clad, supercool VIRII TWINS

Tori Yuki Ichimora as the vinyl-wearing queen of the hackers herself, TRINITY

Christopher Magician as the only villain capable of looking badass in an ultra-lame grey suit, AGENT SMITH

Silver Raye Adams, (despite being a girl) for no reason aside from me not being able to think of someone else to play him, as MORPHEUS

Iruka Yuywell as the tasty temptress of the Internet, Persephone

And without further adieu…The Matrix: Regurgitated!

(_Andrew and Tori sit on the couch of the Nebbua…um…Nebakinez…erm…shit, I have no idea how Morpheus spells the name of his ship. From now on, it'll just be called the Lollipop._ _Anyway, Andrew and Tori are sitting on the couch playing a game_.)

TORI: You're way too slow.

ANDREW: (_Losing_) I'm The One! I'm not too slow, you're cheating!

TORI: You're only The One inside the Matrix. And how can I cheat at Pong?  (_wins)_

ANDREW: FUCK!!!

SILVER: Well, there goes any chance of a PG-13 rating.

TORI: For the movie or the fanfic?

SILVER: Both. Anyways…um…there's some bad stuff going on with the machines and Zion, and all that. We should really do something about it.

ANDREW: What's going on with Zion?

SILVER: Something about drilling to it, I think. I can't say for sure, the movie doesn't come out for a couple weeks yet.

ANDREW: Oh. So…what do we do, then?

SILVER: Jack into the Matrix? I don't know. I'm only playing Morpheus 'cause Chris couldn't find anybody else.

TORI: If we jack in, can I wear some black vinyl?

ANDREW: O.O

SILVER: For no reason except that I want to see Talon's face…yes.

ANDREW: …so happy…

(_We cut to an extremely stylish and awesome scene where everyone enters the Matrix, backed by some swanky techno music. Once inside, we get a nice view of the highly fashionable clothes everyone has on._)

TORI: Sa-weeet…I didn't think they made anything but raincoats out of this material.

ANDREW: Vinyl…form-fitting… (_passes out from too much bliss)_

SILVER: Uhh…yeah. We'll just leave him here and go find ourselves some bad guy ass to whoop, kay?

TORI: Tight. (_They walk off, leaving Talon unconscious beside the phone._)

ANDREW: (_three hours later_) Uggh…huh? Where is everybody?

CHRISTOPHER: Mr. Anderson!!!

ANDREW: Huh? (_whirls around, the Bullettime catching his spin very nicely_) Chris! What's up, man?

CHRISTOPHER: Dude, I'm not me. I'm Agent Smith, remember?

ANDREW: Right, my bad. Uh…oh shit! An Agent of the Matrix!

CHRISTOPHER: Surprised to see me, Mr. Anderson?

ANDREW: No, not really. You're in all the previews and stuff.

CHRISTOPHER: (_face in his hand_) Dude, you are RUINING my cool entrance.

ANDREW: Oh, gimme a break. You don't have the right to _say the word 'cool' in that outfit._

CHRISTOPHER: …As much as I want to argue with that…you're just too right. Can we still fight?

ANDREW: Yeah, sure.  (_They proceed to beat the ever-lovin' snot out of each other in one of the most wildly spectacular battle scenes ever generated by a silicon graphics computer.)_

CHRISTOPHER: …huff…huff…can we be done now? I'm…huff…pretty tired..

ANDREW: pant…wheeze…yeah…but I won, okay?

CHRISTOPHER: No way! I SO beat you!

ANDREW: I beat a _hundred_ of you. I think that qualifies as winning.

CHRISTOPHER: Again…can't really argue. I'm gonna go get a burger. (_translates himself into the body of a nearby hooker and goes off to find a McDonald's_)

ANDREW: Well, that was fun. 

(_crickets chirp_)

ANDREW: Stupid Tori, beating me at Pong…__

(_Meanwhile, Tori and Silver are cruising along the highway in a mouth-wateringly cool BMW Z4_)

TORI: Hey, this car is really nice. Did you upload this from the Construct when we jacked in?

SILVER: What? Uh, yeah, sure. Hey, turn on the radio.

TORI: Kay. (_turns it on and flips through the channels. She stops a moment later, frowning_) Hey, how come this will only play eighties music?

SILVER: Well…to tell you the truth, I kind of swiped it from 'Grand Theft Auto: Vice City'.

TORI: Oooh. So we can only listen to eighties?

SILVER: Yep.

TORI: Gotcha. (_pulls out a HUGE gun and aims it at Silver's head_) Prepare to be chunk3d, bitch.

SILVER: WHAT THE _FUCK!!!_ (_swerves wildly and nails a log truck, which goes on to star in _Final Destination 2. _The girls end up on the side of the road, watching as the Z4 goes spiraling off the freeway and lands on the Olsen twins)_

TORI: Uh…truce?

SILVER: (_Has an even bigger gun aimed at Tori_) I'll tell you in a few seconds.

(_Someplace off in the city, Andrew has entered a random building. He goes into a room and finds Iruka waiting for him, looking very seductive_)

IRUKA: Hello, Neo…

ANDREW: O.O Wow. I'm about to pass out again, and there's not even any vinyl around.

IRUKA: (_moving in a way that would have _any_ man's attention_) So…how's about you ditch that Trinity chick and run away with me?

ANDREW: Ahh…nah, I'm good, thanks. _Great outfit, though._

IRUKA: Hey, thanks. It's kinda hard to wear, though. I feel like I'm gonna fall out.

ANDREW: Really? Can I…uh…hang around a while?

IRUKA: ~_-;  …No.

ANDREW: Nuts. Okay, seeya. (_He leaves, walks don an alley and runs smack into_

TARO-1: Well, hello Neo.

TARO-2: Smashing day, isn't it?

ANDREW: Taro? Why are there two of you?

TAROS-1&2: I'm playing the Virii Twins. There has to be two of me.

ANDREW: Well, whaddya know, That means you're one of the bad guys, right?

TARO-1: Hell yeah. Prepare to face my l33t silver trench coat, beeyatch!

TARO-2: I heard that! 

ANDREW: Yeah, whatever. (_waves a hand, and a pair of matching pianos fall on the two Taros_) L33t that, suck4s.

IRUKA: Oooh, that was cool! Nice job, Talon!

ANDREW: Thanks! ^_^

IRUKA: Hey, do you think you could— (_Doesn't finish speaking, because at that moment, her costume gives way)    O.0   …Eeep._

ANDREW: Holy SHIT!

TAROS-1&2: Yowza!

TARO-1: Now that's something you don't see every day.

TARO-2: (_Holding a camcorder_) Maybe _you_ don't…

(_At that moment, everything goes black. Talon, Silver, and Tori wake up in the Matrix-chair thingys on the Lollipop_. _They exchange confused glances._)

SILVER: What happened? Why did we jack out?

ANDREW: Maybe the machines found Zion and destroyed mankind?

TORI: (_looking at a message on one of the Lollipop's many screens_) It's worse than that…

SILVER: Why? What's happened?

TORI: We're out of special effects money.

ANDREW: …

SILVER: …

ANDREW: We're in a Matrix movie, though…can that _happen?_

SILVER: Apparently so. I guess this means we don't have to worry about saving humanity any more, then.

ANDREW: (_Scratching his head thoughtfully_) Did we ever actually do that?

SILVER: Er…I suppose not. Huh.

TORI: Well, not that we have some free time, any body up for Pong?

ANDREW: Ach. No WAY.

TORI: Oh, come on. I'll put on some…vinyl.

ANDREW: (_dies_ _from joy)_

Magician's Note: There it is, everyone! My stupidest, most utterly pointless fanfic---ever!!! It was a great deal of fun to write though, and I do apologize that most of us are so completely OOC. It dos make for a bit of entertainment though, ne? Everyone take care, and watch out for Agents!

(_puts on his Agent Smith shades and vanishes_)


	2. The Matrix Discombobulated

Magician's Note: Bonjour, T2Mers, and all other readers who may have stumbled into my madness! Now that I've actually seen the sequel to the cyber-punk masterpiece of the brothers Wachowski, (Five times, no less. Yes, I am a geek.) I feel a bit more capable of accurately parodying it.  
  
Well...sort of.  
  
Just roll with me.  
  
In no particular order...  
  
Andrew Joshua Talon as the Gothic trench coat wearin', ass-kickin' lord of cyberspace, NEO!  
  
Tori Yuki Ichimura as the uber-hot, Kung Fu bitch-slapping dominatrix of The Animatrix, TRINITY!  
  
Christopher Magician as the swankiest, most irresistibly sinister villain this side of Darth Vader, AGENT SMITH!  
  
Silver Raye Adams, reprising her role (again because I can think of no one better to play him), as the roundabout-answer-giving, katana-wielding, SUV slicin' leader of La Resistance, MORPHEUS!  
  
Howard Wells (aka Taro MD) as the powerful, merciless, slick-as-ice-and- twice-as-cool criminal mastermind, THE MEROVINGIAN!  
  
And now, without further adieu...The Matrix: Regurgitated! Again!  
  
(Talon and Tori are hanging around on the dark bridge of the Lollipop, playing a game of Go Fish. As usually, Talon is losing.)  
  
TORI: Let me see...do you have any...threes?  
  
TALON: HA! No, I do NOT! Go fucking FISH, beeyatch!  
  
TORI: Okay. (She takes a card, bringing her total to two. Talon has forty.) Do you have any queens?  
  
TALON: Shit. Yes. (He hands her a card.)  
  
TORI: Goood. Now, lemme think...  
  
TALON: (Pleadingly) Be merciful.  
  
TORI: No. Gimme the boxers.  
  
TALON: You are SO screwed when we get back into the Matrix and I can make things explode. (He hands her his boxers.) This is the last time I play 'Strip Fish' with you.  
  
TORI: We'll see. Now, go get me some juice, monkey-boy. (Talon walks off, grumbling.)  
  
SILVER: (Tromps on-screen from someplace out of camera range.) Well, I got us some special effects money.  
  
(Tori cheers as lights all over the Lollipop spring to life. She pauses when Silver's face remains grumpy.)  
  
TORI: What's wrong? If you got FX funding, we're back in business, right?  
  
SILVER: Not exactly. I had to pull a few strings...make some deals.  
  
TORI: Uh...okay. What did you agree to?  
  
SILVER: Well, apparently the last chapter made some studio executives angry with its inaccuracy. They want us to redo the movie so that it isn't so stupid.  
  
TORI: Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so bad. We just have to stick to the script a little better this time, right?  
  
SILVER: Something like that. Ready?  
  
TORI: Sure!  
  
(We cut to a nifty scene all full of Matrix code. It reforms into a clock, then goes into a scene with some security guards. All at once, Tori flies off a nearby building on a motorcycle. She leaps off mid-air, does some sweet aerial acrobatics, then lands in a ridiculously fan-servicey pose.)  
  
RANDOM GUARD: Oh...shit!  
  
TORI: Ass whuppin' time, boys! (She proceeds to beat the fuck out of the guards with her motorcycle helmet. They die.) Yeah! What's my name, bitch? Say my name!  
  
RANDOM GUARD: (Is dead)  
  
TORI: Hmph.  
  
(The scene dissolves into Matrix code again. This time, it reforms into a bird's-eye view of two skyscrapers. Seconds later, Tori, followed by an Agent, explode out from a window, firing loads of high-powered ordnance at each other.)  
  
TORI: Wheeee-ha! Die, fuck-bunny!  
  
AGENT: (Glower)  
  
TORI: Haha-wait...is that a car? (Smashes into the car and dies.) FUCK!!!  
  
TALON: (Wakes up with a gasp. He is in bed with Tori, who is sleeping safely. We skip ahead eight or ten scenes to something interesting.)  
  
TARO: Ah, ze great Morpheus! A pleasure to meet you! And Neo...I thought you vould be taller. Tree-nity, (spouts lots of random French crap), and so on and so forth.  
  
TALON: I'm cool. Do what I say.  
  
SILVER: I'm cool too. Do what I say.  
  
TORI: I can kill you with my kneecap. Do what I say.  
  
TARO: Ah...I zink not. You come to me seeking ze Keymaker, yes?  
  
ALL: Well duh.  
  
TARO: Vell, zerin lies ze problem. You see, ze Keymaker is a means to and end, not an end in himself. Zerefore, you have no purpose. Check out that hot blonde over zere. I sent her zis fucked-up slice of cake that will make her do strange and ungodly things to the first person she sees.  
  
BLONDE: (Sees Silver)  
  
SILVER: Oh shit.  
  
BLONDE: (Mauls Silver)  
  
TALON: Uh...is it wrong for me to be aroused by this?  
  
TORI and TARO: Yes.  
  
TALON: Just checking.  
  
SILVER: Medic...  
  
(We skip ahead to the awesome car chase. With 'Mona Lisa Overdrive' blaring, Silver and Tori shoot along the highway, avoiding Agents and the Twins.)  
  
SILVER: Wheeee! This is SO much fun!  
  
TORI: You sure recovered fast. If I got jumped by some random chick, I'd be in therapy for a month!  
  
SILVER: AaaCh! (Has a catastrophic relapse of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The car bounces all over the highway, taking out pedestrians and camera crews, as well as most of the Agents.)  
  
TORI: I am SO out of this car! (Grabs the Keymaker, jacks a motorcycle, and drives backwards through oncoming traffic.) Now this is the way to ride! Right, Keymaker?  
  
...  
  
TORI: Keymaker? (Looks over her shoulder; the Keymaker, obviously having fallen off the bike, is sitting in a dazed little heap a few hundred yards back.) Oh. Whoops. (He gets run over by a semi.) Uh...double-whoops.  
  
(The first semi crashes into a second semi. They make a big, multi-million dollar kablooie. Talon flies down and saves Silver just in time. We skip ahead a few more reels.)  
  
CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry, gentlemen, but this is a dead end.  
  
SILVER: Ah, hell.  
  
TALON: Smitty!  
  
CHRISTOPHER: You look surprised to see me, Mr. Anderson! Again!  
  
TALON: I'm just wondering how the hell you got in here...isn't this a bit of a plot hole?  
  
CHRISTOPHER: Nope. If anyone notices it, Larry and Andy just have them shot. They're that rich now.  
  
TALON: Huh...  
  
CHRISTOPHER: Anywho--- (Rams his hand into Silver's side and starts to turn her into another Agent Smith.)  
  
TALON: (Very, very dramatically) Morpheus!  
  
SILVER: Stop! Hahahaha! That-heehee!-that tickles!  
  
CHRISTOPHER: That's right, baldy! Ph34r the 7!c||i|\|g!  
  
TALON: What? Was that l33t?  
  
CHRISTOPHER: 4rg! 5y573m |\/|3|7d0|/\|n!  
  
SILVER: He's devolving into a L33t 4gent! Run for it!  
  
(They run like hell, clear out of the plot. Along the way, Talon finds a puppy. He names it Cooper and takes it back to the Lollipop.)  
  
SILVER: (After having jacked-out of the Matrix.) Sheesh...l33t can be pretty scary.  
  
TALON: Sure can.  
  
COOPER: Yip!  
  
TORI: PUPPY!!! (She glomps Cooper, who licks her a lot.)  
  
TALON: So, you're feeling better now, right, Silver?  
  
SILVER: Yeah, sure. What do you mean?  
  
TALON: Just that whole thing with the blonde back at The Merovingian's restaurant. Getting mauled...all that.  
  
SILVER: AaaaCCaacH! (Has another relapse.)  
  
(At this point, the screen freezes up. Larry and Andy Wachowski walk out, both smiling and wearing very expensive Superman t-shirts.)  
  
LARRY: Hey there, everyone! I'm Larry!  
  
ANDY: And I'm Andy! We're two of the richest directors in Hollywood at the moment, thanks to your money! (They chuckle and high-five.) Anyway, we'd just like to remind you all to come on back for the next installment of Tales of the Rotten.  
  
LARRY: Uh...you mean The Matrix, don't you Andy?  
  
ANDY: What? Yeah, of course. What did I say?  
  
LARRY: You said 'Tales of the Rotten'.  
  
ANDY: Oh, right...that's the Love Hina Fanfic by Christopher Magician, isn't it?  
  
LARRY: Sure is! It's a funny one, too! As of August fifth, two-thousand and three it had almost fifty reviews!  
  
ANDY: Gosh, that's impressive! It must be a really good story! In fact, I think I'll go read it right now!  
  
LARRY: Me too, Andy! Me too!  
  
(They chuckle again, then walk off to read Tales of the Rotten.)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Kids, now you too can read Tales of the Rotten on your own browsers, via the miracle of the World Wide Web! Just follow the link below! But be careful-don't let your mommies see you looking at this naughty shit! 


End file.
